A Look Into The State Of Dating – 2012

I was laying in bed the other night and “Wedding Crashers” was on TBS. It just so happens to be one of my favorite comedies of all time. I’m sure most of you have seen it and laughed just as hard.

There is one scene however, that instead of making me laugh made me stop and think. Vince Vaughn’s character has a moment in which he discloses to his secretary his opinion on dating during the first few minutes of the movie.

“I apologize to you if I don’t seem real eager to jump into a forced, awkward, intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don’t like the feeling. You’re sitting there, you’re wondering:                                                                           

  • Do I have food on my face?
  • Am I eating?
  • Am I talking too much?
  • Are they talking enough?
  • Am I interested? I’m not really interested.
  • Should I play like I’m interested, but I’m not that interested, but I think she might be interested, but do I want to be interested, but now she’s not interested?

So all of the sudden I’m getting, I’m starting to get interested…” ~ Jeremy Grey aka Vince Vaughn ‘Wedding Crashers’

At first it seemed like a play on words but when you actually think about it, much of the aspects concerning dating take on mental facets.

Take a first outing, for example. Many of them are what we call “blind dates,” which most of the time involves meeting the other person for the very first time. Needless to say it can be very nerve-racking. Sure, you’re quite thrilled at the fact that a good friend probably took the time out to set you up with someone they think might be a suitable match for you but is that really how you want to go about meeting your potential life partner?

Don’t get me wrong. People who enjoy living on the edge will find this a very viable option. In my personal opinion, I would rather have prior information about the person I am about to have coffee with for the first time. Come to think of it, I’d like to think that the other party would share this sentiment.

To further explain my point, I’d like to steer the conversation towards the modern online dating world. Companies such as Match.com and e-Harmony.com are making a killing by successfully pairing people together who would normally not know that each other existed. From neighboring states to foreign countries, I’ve heard of hundreds of people who have invested time in one another as a result of getting together by way of the Internet. As a matter of fact, I had reached a point in my life where I was so consumed by work that I was forced to invest in the latter. As opposed to a blind date, one can set up a profile with pictures, basic information and describe your interests so that another person can correspond to you. I find that preparation in this situation can serve the purpose of conversation starters simply because both parties already have a common ground to build upon.

The dating scene these days has taken a turn for the complicated. Technology has allowed those less prone to ask someone out in person to text an invitation to get drinks after work. No courage is needed to walk up to that girl you’ve been noticing all week and say, “Hey, sorry to interrupt but…” You can just Facebook her these days. Even more, so called “pickup artists” are coming out with books, chock full of proven ways to dupe girls into falling for the routines that are supposed to divert their attention from themselves onto men. So even if you did have the courage to initiate conversation, you wouldn’t be acting entirely genuine. Some are just plain laughable.

On the other hand, dating in 2012 should come with some positive changes as well. Who is to say women can’t take the initiative and ask a man they find attractive out for dinner? The social norm stipulates that the man is to take action and attempt to woo the woman but how great would it be if that girl by the bar would tell the bartender that she wants to buy you a drink for a change? What a load of our shoulders! My hat would go off to such lady. If they see something they like, why not make the move? Men like a woman who takes charge from time to time. We find it to be refreshing and a nice change of pace.

In conclusion and for the sake of brevity, here are some key points to remember.

  • Dating might seem complicated but take an old school approach. Modern theories often base themselves on basic principles.
  • Taking things slow allows you to assess and analyze every situation that arises from either side. Rushing into things is hardly ever the way to go.
  • Get a feel for each other first. If there is no instant chemistry it doesn’t mean it’s necessarily over but odds are things are not going in the right direction.
  • Take a step back.
  • Rethink things or go with the flow.
  • Dating is like a shoe. If it fits, try it out.

After all, you never really get to know someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.

I look forward to your thoughts and feedback below.

Be relentless.

Things Men Should Never Do When Out On The First Date With A Woman

Had a buddy of mine give me a call yesterday to explain his disaster date from the night before. Recently divorced and fresh to the dating scene he called me and asked me what he should do and where he should take her. I suggested taking her to a comedy club and then depending on how that went, a light dinner afterwards or some cocktails at a lounge.

Being the dumb ass that he is, instead he met up with her at the movies and had a rose for her. Have you ever watched a movie before or seen someone do something and it’s so bad that you feel embarrassed and want to hide? Well I won’t get into any more details but let’s just say that it did not end well.  

One of the first things out of his mouth when he called was, “Dude… I fucked up and should have listened to you.”

Ummmm. You sure did my friend. And because of that, you inspired me for today’s post.

Women are strange creatures and us Men are just dumb creatures when it comes to them most of the time. A large majority of Women are very finicky by nature and there are certain things you just don’t do when you are out with a woman for the first time.

Her comfort mentally and emotionally is extremely important and if she is out of that zone? Then you can pretty much call it a night…

If she hasn’t taken that step to do so already.

Part of my buddy’s problem is he got married straight out of High School and after a 10+ year marriage he was basically brand spanking new to the dating scene and literally only had one real girlfriend who was now his ex wife.

Poor guy was green behind the ears when it comes to dating and I decided for his sake and for other dudes out there to make a simple list of “What Not To Do” on your first date with women. I hate cringing in embarrassment just hearing some of the stuff we do.

Yes I say “We” because although I have evolved a bit from doing stupid shit the first time I’m with a Woman I am still a Man.

All For One And One For All.

A quick rundown on stuff that is a big NO when you are going on a first date with a woman is:

Do Not Show Up With Flower(s)

You will have a few women who disagree with me on this one but trust me…

9/10’s of a time you will either look foolish, feel foolish, and appear too eager, and anxious. You do not know her yet so how can you show up with a rose or roses? A rose symbolizes intimacy and love, neither of which you have with her yet.

You can’t bring her flowers because quite simply you just don’t know enough about her yet. You most likely don’t know what she likes, her favorite color, or even if she like flowers! I once dated a woman for quite a bit who disregarded the flowers I sent her and after the second time I picked up the hint. Yes it took me twice to figure out that golden nugget of information.

Like I said earlier… Sometimes us Men are dumb creatures.

One main reason you do not want to bring flowers is because you can set her expectations too high with this action and it can backfire on you in the future. Best save the flowers for later when and if things progress between the both of you.

Do Not Take Her To The Movies

NO! NO! NO! NO! Never do this. This is not high school where you sit in the dark, share armrests and twirl fingers with each other. This is a big date killer. I am speaking from experience.

Look. The reason you are on a date with this woman is because both of you are obviously interested in each other and want to get to know each other. How the Heck can you “communicate” with each other and have her appreciate your wit, while you compliment her on her smile if you are both sitting in the dark for 2 hours staring up at some vampires with glitter on them?

After the 2 hours silence there is no energy left, no spark, no passion, no nada!

I don’t care if she suggests to you that she wants to watch a particular movie while talking on the phone. Make plans to do something else. I’d rather take a woman to the circus on a first date than the movies. Funny but I really mean that.

Flirt a bit. Let her know that if she behaves on your first date you will take her on a second one to the movies. A bit of banter goes a long way.

Don’t Be Late

While it is socially acceptable for a woman to be just a bit late whether you are picking her up or meeting her somewhere; do not do the same to her. It is rude, it gives an air of her not having any importance to you, and it raises that defensive wall up on them. Women’s mind will work a mile a minute wondering why you are late and that is not the conditions you want her to be under on your first date. It is not a good look. Give her the importance she deserves and if you are going to be late call her with sufficient time and let her know. It’s called etiquette.

Stop Talking So Much And S.T.F.U.

Want to see a woman’s attention start diverting to her phone or elsewhere? Run your mouth.

Shut up and let the woman do the talking. Be communicative but let her lead the conversation to topics and questions she feels comfortable talking about. Trust me. All Women Love To Talk. And the ones that say they don’t? It’s because they are not in their comfort zone. Ask her questions about herself, what she does, what she likes. That way you can both see what mutual interests you have. Women want a Man who listens. don’t hear her. Listen. Participate but let her delegate the direction of the conversation. It will mean a lot to her. If all you do is talk, talk, talk, she will get bored. Attentive Listening is Key.

(sidenote- if you don’t know what S.T.F.U. means then google it)

Don’t Drink Too Much Sucka

I have seen quite a few guys blow it with this one. Getting sloshed while you are out on a first date with a woman is not a good look at all. There is nothing wrong with a couple drinks but keep it to a minimum. You don’t want her to perceive you as a party clown or alcoholic. What I have seen happen is that Guys will drink a bit too much to cover their nervousness and that’s a big mistake. Women will pick up on that really quick and at the end of the day or date you just look like the drunk, insecure, obnoxious, fool. Never ever get drunker than the woman.

Bonus Tip – Don’t ever try to get her drunk either. While there are some real thirsty women out there the majority will pick up on the fact that you are trying too get her drunk and it will raise those defensive walls up. Defensive Walls + Alcohol = Bad Date. If she wants to get drunk trust me, she will and you will know.

Leave Your Phone Alone 

Constant texting, facebooking, tweeting, or talking on the phone while on a first date is very insensitive on both ends. When I was a Bartender I’d see dates not even talking to each other while sneaking on facebook. Leave it alone. Show her the importance she deserves. If you have to pick it up be brief and make sure she knows you are all about her and not your phone. That means a lot to women. 

Be Well Groomed And Presentable

Teeth, body, clothes, hair, beard, car, and home. I am not going into much more details on this one. If I have to break this one down then you deserve to be a hermit.

Smoke Cigarettes? Don’t light up right before you meet her. Smelling like nicotine is not a good impression when you meet.

So there you have it. Things Men Should Never Do When Out On A First Date With A Woman. I could have kept going but I think those are the basics for right now.

I know my buddy is going to call me and curse me out when he sees this but Hey! I didn’t mention his name now did I? Hmmmmmm

Al Spaulding Signature 

Being Alone Does Not Equate To Being Lonely… Real Talk

Are you settling in Life when it comes to the people you allow into it intimately? Or are you selective about who you choose to open up to and share your world with?

It seems that quite a number of people equate being alone with being lonely.

For those of you that do?

Let’s turn on the light in the room for a moment…

Most of the time our problem develops because we are taught via our family, peers, the media, and society that part of being an adult; part of being complete as an adult is that we need to be in a relationship or commitment with someone.

While in part that is true it absolutely makes no sense doing this and giving ourselves if we don’t know ourselves first.

  • How can you give 150% to a relationship or commitment with someone if you are not giving yourself that same amount of energy?
  • How can you give your heart to someone if you don’t even truly love yourself?
  • How can you truly be happy if you equate being in a relationship as a reason for your happiness?
  • How can you depend on another person to be the reason for your happiness?

You must truly love yourself before you can offer love to another person and do so in a healthy, fulfilling way. How can you look in the mirror, not be happy with what you see and then offer happiness to someone? How can you offer that which you yourself do not possess in your spirit, and mind?

It simply makes no damn sense and that’s the reason perhaps a high number of us go through revolving door relationships like the 4 seasons or stay stuck in a relationship that is no good for us because we simply don’t want to be alone. 

Being Alone Does Not Equate To Being Lonely… Know Yourself Before You Give Yourself.

Stay Blessed,

 Al Spaulding Signature

To Find Yourself, Re-Create Yourself; Or Be By Yourself

The eternal question of the single person or the person who continues to jump around from bad relationship to bad relationship is:

“Why can’t I find someone who is right for me?”

Let’s touch upon that for a brief moment today.

It all boils down to this:

It Is All Your Fault. PERIOD.

It’s not the fault of the Man you met while you were out shaking your ass at the club and it’s not the fault of the woman who caught your attention while you were popping bottles at the lounge last weekend.

It’s not the fault of the Man or Woman you befriended on FB because you thought they were cute. And it’s most definitely not the fault of the friend who hooked you up with their boo’s friend so you guys can double date.

It Is All Your Fault because you decision making process sucks. Period.

Why?

Well the problem is this:

Too often in life we place ourselves in situations where the energy we put out into the world is what we get back in return. We are attracted to those who deep down inside we know are no good for us but as human beings we enjoy the challenge, the thrill of making something bad into something good. We disregard the warning signs and go full throttle ahead while deep down our internal alarms are going off and telling us to run for the hills.

We invest the most precious thing we have… Our life into someone expecting to find that happiness that we should find within ourselves first.

True happiness and fulfillment in our life begins from within and once you know that, embrace yourself, and become one within yourself; only then will you attract that like minded person that will “add” to the happiness you already have as opposed to thinking that person would be the reason for your happiness.

We are taught from an early age that when you grow up, get married, and settle down that we will be complete. In actuality there is just no way you will ever be 100% complete depending on someone else to connect the dots on the emotional and mental turmoil you’re going through. Nobody else can be the artist holding the paintbrush creating the masterpiece on that canvas called “Your Life” except You.

So on that note. To Find yourself, start with Re-Creating Yourself or be by Yourself till you learn to know Yourself, Love Yourself, and Reinvent Yourself.

To Your Health.

Al Spaulding Signature